Born to Die
by Live Write Love
Summary: 'What good is life really? We're put on this Earth for one reason. To die.' When Will dies before they even have a chance to be together, JJ sets off on a downward spiral, and begins to question what good life is after all.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This takes place during Season Three. _Lucky_ and _Penelope _have happened but it's a good few months before _In Heat_. Feedback would be really appreciated as although I have a general idea about where this is headed, I have nothing else written. Next update in around a week.

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Born to Die

Will was supposed to have been here by now.

Since she'd had to work late, they'd simply settled on him getting a taxi to her apartment from the airport. He knew exactly where it was; there was no point in waiting another two hours after a nearly three hour flight. So JJ left him her keys and politely excused herself when the team asked if she wanted to go out for a drink with them.

At first she thought that the flight had simply been delayed, not worrying when he didn't answer his phone. That must be why; you can't answer phones when you're thousands of feet in the air.

Then as the hours passed, JJ's mind led her to much less pleasant thoughts. What if he just didn't want to see her, and was too cowardly to say it to her face, and so simply didn't come? No, Will wasn't like that. He wouldn't do something like that to her. Would he?

The transition from early hours in the morning to afternoon the next day seemed to take forever. She must have rang his cell phone two dozen times, and was in the process of calling his house phone for the fifth time.

_'Hey, you've reached the voicemail of Will LaMontagne Jr, clearly I'm not here right now so give me a buzz later.'_

It was getting harder to listen to that every time. Seconds passed like minutes, minutes passed like hours until finally the blonde gave in and slept, unable to convince herself Will was coming any longer.

In the end, she had such a restless night that it was a relief to be called out on a case.

"Hotch?"

"JJ, we need you to come in. We've got a case that needs our attention."

"Got it, I'll be there in thirty."

Sleep hadn't been kind to JJ. Just one look at her was enough to tell you that. Or the amount of concealer she had to pack on underneath her eyes. After making herself a quick coffee, she hesitated before leaving her apartment. There was just that tiny nagging voice in the back of her head, saying _but what if Will is just extremely late?_ She decides the only way to pacify the annoying voice was to write him a note, since he wasn't responding to any texts either.

_Will, out on a case. Give me a call if you see this. JJ. X_

By this point, JJ wasn't sure if she wanted to see him or not.

* * *

"God JJ, you look like hell." Emily pointed out, not really concerned, more pointing out the obvious.

Morgan clapped her on the back, an almost proud smile written all over his face. "Damn girl, now I know why you cancelled on us Friday."

JJ forced a sheepish smile, deciding not to let her team know exactly why she was so tired. It wasn't even like they knew about Will anyway; she had gone to great lengths to make sure of that. "Come on, I've got to prep you on this case."

Emily and Morgan took their seats at the table, across from Reid and Hotch who were waiting already. She handed out the case file to them all, leaving one in the empty seat that was filled by David Rossi almost as soon as she put the first image up on the screen.

"Three men have gone missing in the past week in Jacksonville, Florida. All male, between 6'1 and 6'3, brunette, well built. No bodies have been found and given that not long has passed since the first abduction, Jacksonville Police are presuming all the victims are still alive."

"No doubt we have the same guy," Rossi muses, looking at the pictures on the screen. "They're all pretty similar. All of them have blue eyes as well."

"Are we sure we have a guy?" Emily inquired.

"These men are 220, 230 at least, you've gotta be pretty strong to lift that."

"Wheels up in twenty, this is a pretty time sensitive case."

* * *

"Good Morning, Crimefighters. Guess who has some pretty wonderful news for you?"

"Shoot, Babygirl." Everyone was at the precinct, no one wanting to take the extra hour to go to the hotel, since time was everything on this case. There weren't even any crime scenes to analyse as thankfully there were no bodies. That wasn't to say that they weren't somewhere else though.

"Okay, so I had a little look into the credit card records of our guys and it turns out all three of them had booked into the Lassar Resort at some point in the last two weeks. I did some digging and it's a pretty famous resort, everyone wants to stay there and they have about 700 visitors around this season."

"Our UnSub must be based around that area, possibly a member of staff?" Emily suggested.

"Prentiss, Morgan, Rossi, JJ, head over there. Ask some questions, look at their rooms, talk to the managers." Hotch ordered. "Reid and I will stay here and work on victimology. Garcia, I need you to look into the staff at Lassar, see if you can find anything suspicious."

"Got it, Boss. Garcia out." And the phone line cut.

JJ didn't bother grabbing her jacket as she followed the other three out of the precinct. God knows it was hot enough already. She got into the SUV with Morgan, not looking for conversation. She tried to put Will out of her mind. Everything was probably fine, and being distracted on the case simply wouldn't do.

After a rather quiet journey, they arrived at the resort, just after Rossi and Prentiss.

"I'll talk to James Taylor's friends," JJ offered, knowing that's where her services would be best required. "They're still here. I'll see what I can get out of them, since the police never got the chance to question them."

James Taylor's was the latest abduction, having only been missing two days, and it being reported yesterday. His friends were still here, not sure how to go home when they were still missing one of their own.

They were waiting in the lobby, sitting with their backs to her. For a second, JJ's heart seemed to leap out of her mouth as she saw the familiar dark hair, cut short for convenience in the heat. She was about to call out to him, when he turned and his face didn't match the one she imagined.

_Don't be so stupid, JJ._ She chastised herself. _Why would Will be in a resort in Florida?_

"Hi," she greeted the two men warmly, plastering her best smile on her face. "My name is Agent Jennifer Jareau, I'm from the FBI. Is it alright if I ask you some questions?"

"FBI?" The other one asked, clearly shocked that their missing friend had caused the feds to get involved. This guy had sandy blonde hair, stood at around 5'11 and although taller than his friend, wasn't quite as built. "A bit serious, isn't it? I mean, he's probably just hanging out in that girl's apartment."

"There have been two other disappearances this last week," JJ began to explain, until something clicked in her brain. "Sorry, did you say _that girl_?"

"Yeah, we went out to some club the other night, to pick up chicks and that," the other brunette said. "She was hot, and took a liking to Jimmy straight away. They were proper all over each other."

"Lucky guy." The sandy blonde added, wistfully.

"What did she look like?"

"Tan, blonde, maybe 5'6?"

"Oh, and she had a scar across her collarbone. She'd tried to cover it up, but her shirt kept slipping down."

"Did you get her name?" JJ asked, urgently. This could be the break in the case they needed, and so early on.

"Er, I think she said Mia? I didn't catch her last name."

"And the name of the club?" JJ pushed for answers, hand already on her phone.

"Magenta, I think."

"Thank you very much, would you mind staying in the resort for now, we may need to ask you some more questions?" JJ didn't even wait for them to answer, and was already calling Hotch, with the news.

"Hotch, we need to look into a club called _Magenta, _James Taylor was last seen leaving there with a 5'6, blonde girl going by the name of Mia. I think our UnSub's a girl."

* * *

Seventeen hours later and the team were boarding the plane, unbelievably tired. Their UnSub went by the name of Mia Trapp, and she was indeed the same girl that James Taylor's friends had seen. They had sent one of the local police undercover to the club, and followed them back to her house. They made a move just as soon as the officer was hit over the head with a frying pan.

They found the other men chained up in the basement, all severely injured but nothing fatal. It was a rare happy moment, to find out that no one had died, that you had saved at least three people, and countless others. Mia Trapp had been physically and sexually abused by her boyfriend; this was her way of revenge.

In a way that she didn't quite understand, JJ sympathised with this girl. Sure, what she did was wrong, but would she have even considered it if she hadn't suffered so much at the hands of her boyfriend? The worst part was that he wasn't even getting tried for anything, and he was the cause of it all.

She learnt a long time ago that you couldn't save everybody.

JJ sat straight in the window seat, opposite Morgan and Rossi. It was Emily's turn on the couch. It was weird, she should be absolutely shattered, having not slept more than an hour during the past 72. But her mind was far too active to rest. All she could think about was Will. Had something happened to him? Had he abandoned her, after they became impossibly close the weekend before? What was she going to do?

She felt a gentle touch on her arm, as Reid settled down in the seat next to her. "Are you alright?"

"Fine." She snapped at him, her voice much colder than it would have been usually. He recoiled a little, clearly hurt, but trying to hide it. Morgan didn't hear since he had his headphones on, shutting out the world. But Rossi did, and he raised and eyebrow in question. He hadn't been on the team long, but he seemed to know a lot about everyone already. JJ wouldn't be surprised if he had been silently profiling everyone since he joined.

Nevertheless, JJ felt guilty immediately. Reid was one of her closest friends, sometimes she even considered him her best friend, and he was just trying to be kind. She took a deep breath, and apologised. "I'm sorry, Spence. I'm just tired, have slept much this weekend."

He offered up a tentative smile, and went started spouting out facts uncontrollably. "Did you know that Shakespeare had severe insomnia? You can tell from the way he depicts sleep in many of his plays and the vivid descriptions of insomnia lead to the theory that he himself suffered-"

JJ smiled and nodded along with his facts, not taking any of the information in, but grateful for the temporary distraction. But it was just that. Temporary.

* * *

"Will somebody please tell me what the point in us coming all the way back here is?" Emily groaned and stumbled out of the elevator. Morgan laughed and supported her from her elbow, making sure she didn't completely collapse.

"For starters, our cars are still here anyway," Rossi chuckled. "And I wouldn't call a ten minute walk a particularly draining distance?"

"You know that if we're getting the day off tomorrow, we have to take our paperwork home with us, it's protocol," Hotch explained as he walked up the stairs to his office.

JJ sighed. She certainly wouldn't be getting the day off tomorrow. She would be here bright and early, poring over new cases and trying to figure out which people deserved to die and which deserved to live.

Morgan returned first from his desk, collecting the least amount of paperwork. At least you could say he was realistic about how much work he would do on his day of reprieve.

"What about you, Blondie?" he asked, intrigued at her lack of files.

"Oh, I don't get the day off tomorrow. Strauss wants me in bright and early to figure out where we're going next."

Morgan exhaled loudly. "Man that's harsh. No offence JJ, but you could sure use the sleep."

JJ forced a laugh. "Thanks, I'll try not to take it to heart."

Hotch joined the others, who were still waiting by the elevator. They made a point of departing together, when they could. His face was sterner than usual.

"What's wrong?" Rossi asked, sensing something was up with the boss.

"I just got a call from the New Orleans Police Department."

JJ's head snapped up, her breath hitched in her throat, the hairs on the back of her arm standing to attention.

"Remember the detective from the Jack the Ripper copycat case. Will LaMontagne?"

They all nodded, apart from Rossi, who hadn't yet joined the team. Emily's gaze landed on JJ for a second.

"He's dead."

* * *

'_Losing someone when you're young, is the greatest pain anyone can face.'_ Amory Blaine.

* * *

**Have a great week, my lovelies.**


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Guess whose laptop has risen from the dead... (mine)... so the next chapter should be up in less than a week.

Thank you so much to _IniTiniNini _and _Sophia0665_ for reviewing, and to the Guest who reviewed, sorry I couldn't reply because you don't have an account. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I'd love it if you reviewed.

* * *

Born to Die, Chapter Two

_He's dead._

Two words, that sent her whole world crashing down around her.

How could this be?

After everything that had conspired between them last weekend?

They had barely had any time together, four months at best. Only spending the weekends together, if that.

How did she not know about this? Shouldn't she get some kind of feeling that something bad had happened to him. _No, _JJ thought, bitterly. _No, you were just some self-centred bitch who thought her boyfriend was too cowardly to break up with her._

"How?" JJ choked out. She wasn't even acutely aware of the concerned looks thrown her way.

Hotch searched her eyes for a moment, confused at the conflicting emotions he saw there. Some Profiler. "They said there was some sort of armed robbery taking place at a café called _Fernandez_, on Friday evening. They didn't seem to know he was a detective, but he made that clear when he tried to stop them. He was shot in the stomach, and died on the operating table, late Saturday night."

Hotch said nothing for a moment. He knew that JJ had been closer with the detective than any of the other members of the team, himself included. "I'm sorry." It seemed like it had just been tacked on to the end, not doing any use other than to make himself feel better.

When the silence overtook them once more, Rossi felt the need to break it. He may not have known the New Orleans native, but it was clear from the solemn expressions on his colleague's faces that this man had earned their utmost respect, and therefore deserved his. "May he rest in peace."

He made the sign of the cross, and the rest of the team followed his lead, with the exception of JJ who just stood there motionless, completely lost in the turmoil of her thoughts. Outwardly, she looked shocked, a little emotional maybe. But that was JJ. Invested in other people, particularly their safety. They figured that although she was used to hearing the news of people's deaths every day, it was never someone that she thought was safe. Never someone who didn't need protecting.

But on the inside, JJ was a bubbling mess. It was taking every ounce she had not to completely unravel in front of her entire team. All she knew was that she had to get out of there fast.

"I've got to-" JJ rummaged around in her purse, pretending to look for her keys. "I'm going to go now, I'm pretty shattered."

Hotch raised an eyebrow in concern. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home? It's been an exhausting day."

"No." JJ said it abruptly, not giving anyone a chance to argue. She pressed the button for the elevator, before realising that she wasn't going last until it came, let alone the journey back down, trapped in a tiny space with five of the most renowned profilers in the world. "Actually, I'll take the stairs, the exercise you know."

She sped off before anyone could say anything, and was already down one flight of stairs before the tears threatened to fall. JJ was about to give in to every emotion hiding inside of her when she was stopped by the sound of footsteps bounding down to catch up with her.

"JJ!" the voice would usually have comforted her, but not today. Today she needed to be left alone.

"What?" she turned around, irritated. She forgot about her tears and as one lone drop glided down her face she furiously wiped it away.

"I just-" Now he was here, he seemed to have forgotten what his purpose was.

"I'm _fine,_ Spence." She emphasised the lie, praying he'd go away.

"Let me drive you home, at least. You're tired, upset-"

How dare he try and worm himself into her emotions? To have the satisfaction of helping her as she broke down.

"I said I'm fine, _Reid._"

Her voice was louder, her tone was harsher. She knew it hurt when he took a step back, as if she'd forcibly propelled him far away from her. The worst part was that she had intended it to hurt.

JJ didn't wait for him to say anything else, and turned her back on him, flying down the stairs once more.

_Will._

_Will._

_Will_

It was all she could think. It was as if the word was painted on every wall, on every inch of the world. _Will, Will, Will._ She just couldn't take it any more. The pain was burning up inside of her, desperately looking for an escape route.

JJ wasn't shocked that she beat the rest of the team down in the elevator. She hadn't even registered the last few floors as she raced down them.

She threw herself into the car and started the engine. She knew she needed to get out of there, get home, where she could finally collapse into a heap on the floor.

She sped through the streets, at almost double the speed limit. It was a good thing there weren't many cars on the road at 3am.

But there it was, trying to seep back into her brain.

_Will. _

The whispers just wouldn't stop. They were coming from all angles now, desperate to take her with them.

_Will._

_Love._

_Dead._

They brought so much pain. It shouldn't be physically possible for words to cause so much hurting.

Hurting. She wondered how much pain he was subjected to before death.

And then the final word came. The one she had been ignoring with all she had. The one that would surely bring her crashing down with no hope of ever making it back out again.

_Fault._

She never saw the car coming.

She swerved to the left, only to be met with a loud crash as the darkness claimed her.

She was pretty sure that the tree never saw her coming either.

* * *

"Oh my Chocolate God of Thunder, you know I love you but this better be good."

"Your girl's in trouble, Momma."

Penelope Garcia sat bolt upright in bed, pulling her sleeping mask off. "You have five seconds to explain."

"She was in a car accident, she's in surgery right now." Even though she couldn't see him, Garcia was positive he was close to punching the wall.

"I'll be there in ten." No nicknames, no nothing. Her sweet JJ was in trouble and she'd be damned if she wasn't going to be right by her side.

* * *

Hotch was pacing the corridor when he saw Garcia half running to meet them. He was pretty sure that those were her pyjamas with a cardigan thrown on top, but you never know with Penelope.

"Where is she?" Garcia demanded to know, as Morgan rose to greet her.

"She's still in surgery. We know nothing," Hotch answered. He watched as Morgan guided her into the seat between him and Prentiss. They had contacted Rossi and Reid, they should be here soon.

Garcia looked around at them, clearly desperate for answers. "What happened to her?"

"She was in a car accident," Prentiss put a comforting hand on the other woman's shoulder, but it was clear that she was simply waiting for somebody to do that for her.

"She drove into a tree, at a pretty high speed. From the way she was angled, it appears she swerved away from something although hers was the only car at the scene. That was a couple of hours ago," Hotch gave her all the information he had, hoping it would be of some comfort.

It took him a second to register that Garcia wasn't wearing any wacky makeup, and it was the first time he'd seen her completely without it. When he saw the tears falling down her face, all he could think was that it was a good job she went without.

He couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that was trying to consume him. He was the leader of this team; he was the one who was supposed to make sure everyone was safe. He should have made her let him drive her home safely. But no, he had let her drive, knowing just how exhausted and unhinged she was.

Some leader, he was.

* * *

Emily Prentiss had been the first to arrive at the hospital. She'd been there to see the blonde beauty whisked away into surgery, surgery that would hopefully save her life. She'd looked so broken as she was wheeled past, so small and vulnerable. This was not the JJ she was used to seeing.

They had known something was wrong after Hotch broke the news back at the bureau. But they just passed it off as her being tired and upset. JJ and that detective had taken a fancy to each other back in New Orleans. But watching JJ choke back what she was feeling made Emily wonder if something more had gone on that she hadn't told anybody. They all knew that JJ had something going on, even Reid picked up on it, but she never verbally told anyone. They couldn't even call this mystery man to explain to him what had happened.

So she just sat in the waiting room, informing Hotch when he walked in, and Morgan when he all but charged down the corridor.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Morgan buried his face in his hands. If someone didn't let them know what was happening soon, he was going to punch something.

Why did this happen to her? God she was the person who least deserved it. She was sweet, most of the time, and always put others before herself.

She was like some sort of little sister to him. Despite her unconscious attempts to be the den mother and look after everyone, he saw that she needed protecting sometimes too, even if she didn't want to admit it. The two of them would tease each other to no end, JJ spending most of her time making fun of his 'man whore lifestyle', but he couldn't deny that he was looking forward to scaring the shit out of this mystery boyfriend she had.

But now, this.

He held Penelope close, and let her cry on his shoulder. Maybe with her in his arms, he'd stop thinking about punching that wall in.

* * *

Rossi joined the others in the waiting room. "How's she doing?"

Hotch gave a shake of the head, his expression grim. _That good._

As Rossi settled into one of the chairs, he thought about the people in front of him. He was still pretty new to this, and the idea of working in a team had scared him at first. Having to share all your thoughts with the people you work with, having to check with others before you did anything drastic. It was certainly different from what he remembered of Profiling. But somehow, they made it work. All the members of the team came together in such an efficient way; he didn't know how they did it. He'd barely been there a couple of months and he already felt accepted in this weird, dysfunctional family they had going on.

That was why he had set off straight for the hospital as soon as he got the call about JJ. As he looked at the closed doors, only imagining the horrors going on behind it, he thought back to his first impressions of the girl.

_Communications Liaison. _They'd certainly never had that before. He couldn't deny that his first impression was that however nice she seemed, she appeared to be the least valuable team member. She wasn't even a Profiler. But after just one case, he had seen just how necessary she was. She played a vital role in catching the bad guys, especially when it came to taunting them through press conferences.

But not just on the job. He wouldn't go as far as to call her the glue that kept them all together, no they all did that in their own way. She was something different. She cared so much, not just about the victims but about _them_ too. In some ways she was a sort of mother figure that they all looked to for advice and stability.

He assumed that it was that role that made them forget how old she was. She only just turned twenty seven a couple of weeks ago, barely a year older than Reid. Too young to have seen so much tragedy, too young to be in such a tragedy.

With a slightly shaking hand, he pulled a rosary from his pocket, and prayed.

* * *

_No, not JJ. _

It was all he could think as he raced through the streets to the hospital. It didn't seem to register in him that he should drive more carefully, that this was how JJ ended up in this mess.

All he could think about was getting there, and making sure she was safe.

JJ was kind to him, she had always been kind to him, ever since the beginning. He let out a smile as he thought back to that lone date to the Redskins match. Always kind.

They had grown close, especially since their Georgia ordeal. Neither could come to terms with their guilt over what had happened to the other, so they worked through it together. She was the one who helped him stay of the Dilaudid for good, got him set up in an NA class. Held his hand as he worked his way through his fears.

It was only right for him to do the same for her.

"Where is she?" he demanded of Hotch, whose face was looking even more stern than normal, if that were possible. His eyebrows were pulled down impossibly low over his eyes and his mouth seemed to be permanently set in a grimace.

"She's in surgery. She has been for a while now."

"Do we not know anything?" he asked angrily, storming over to a helpless nurse who was helping a man in a wheelchair. He was about to harass her for information when he felt a strong arm holding his, pulling him back.

"That won't help, Reid. She can't tell us anything." Hotch frowned at him, but Reid could have sworn he saw empathy in his eyes, as if he wanted nothing more than to let him harass the poor woman for information.

Reid pulled his arm out of Hotch's grasp and began pacing the corridor, ignoring Garcia's sobs and the pitying looks he got from Emily.

Why did he let her drive? He knew that 47% of people who drive when they are tired or upset end up in nearly fatal automobile accidents. This is entirely his fault, if he hadn't got so-

"Jennifer Jareau?"

The doctor took a step back from the six people who rose and stared at him, clearly desperate for information.

He turned to Reid, who was closest to him. "Are you Aaron Hotchner?"

"No, I am." Hotch stepped forward. "I'm her medical contact, how is she?"

The doctor looked inquisitively at the other five of them, unsure whether he should be releasing this information to them all. Hotch seemed to sense his thoughts and put the doctor at ease, if a little impatiently. "They're fine, they can listen."

"Well Miss Jareau collided with the tree with quite some force. Honestly, she's very lucky to be alive. She has a sprained wrist, and a few broken ribs which can be treated easily. However, she had also suffered a great deal of internal bleeding caused by the high speed deceleration in her car accident. It damaged her organs without breaking through the skin. We managed to stop the bleeding during surgery."

A visible sigh of relief was heard. "But we found another problem. She suffered a severe head trauma from the accident which has caused a considerable amount of swelling in the brain. Her body is fixing itself in the only way it knows how to."

Reid collapsed into a chair, understanding what happened to JJ before everyone else.

"Sorry?" Emily asked, confused. She thought he just said JJ was fine.

"I'm afraid Miss Jareau has slipped into a coma."

* * *

_A friend who dies, it's something of you who dies._

_- Gustave Flaubert_

* * *

**Until next time, my lovelies. **


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for their response to this story, particularly to the two guests, _Sophia0665, Jenntedisco, Annber03 _and _IniTiniNini_ for reviewing, it made me really happy to know you enjoy the story. Also a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who reviewed _The Hangover._ It honestly blew me away and I know it's not much to some but it's the best response I've ever gotten from a story, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Onto the chapter, I feel the need to say this chapter's a bit different, and a tad shorter, but I found it interesting and I believe it fits in quite well. Let me know what you think!

* * *

Born to Die, Chapter Three

_It's soft, and warm, and safe. That's all JJ knows, but somehow, she needn't know anymore._

_The sky's a beautiful blue, completely clear aside from a couple of lone white clouds, floating by peacefully._

_There's a warm, gentle breeze that messes up her hair, loosening the soft curls and making them flow over her shoulders._

_Looking down, she sees grass. Well that's why it's so soft. She lies back, taking comfort in the tranquillity of this place._

It's weird, _she thinks to herself. _I have nothing to worry about_._

_In the distance, there are children laughing and playing, without a care in the world. She remembers being like that once. Free._

_"Jenny?"_

_The familiar voice breaks through the trance JJ seems to be in. She turns to see a beautiful girl sitting on the grass, just across from her. She was blonde, with the same blue eyes as JJ. She couldn't be more than eighteen._

_Jennifer Jareau knew exactly who she was._

_"Annie?"_

_Her older sister smiled at her, looking almost relieved that she was recognised by her sister. Sixteen years is a long time. "Hey Sissy."_

_JJ looked around, suddenly confused and overwhelmed by her surroundings. "What? Why am I here? Am I…" She trailed off, unable to say the words._

_"No Jen, you're not dead. You're in some sort of 'in-between'." Annie Jareau laid her hand on her little sister's and squeezed, comfortingly._

_They both stayed like that for a while, taking peace and comfort in the presence of one another. "Is it just me, or does this place feel kind of familiar?"_

_Annie smiled, knowingly. "So it should do."_

_JJ focused on the children playing in front of her. There were two girls, both with blonde hair. There was a boy there as well who seemed to be somewhere between their ages. It seemed to be girls versus boys, although their brother didn't seem to stand a chance, as the girls cornered him with water guns. "Is that?"_

_"Us?" Annie finished for her. She often looked back on the memories of her siblings with fondness. She was very familiar with them by now._

_"We look so happy."_

_"We were," Annie added, wistfully. JJ withdrew her hand from underneath her sister's, asking the question she'd wanted to know since that fateful day sixteen years ago._

_"Why did you do it, Annie?" There was a hidden anger to her voice._

_Annie sighed and took her younger sister's hands into hers once more. "I'm sorry, Jen. I want you to know that. But now isn't the time."_

_"Why?" JJ almost whined, which brought a smile to her sister's face. Annie Jareau breathed in deeply through her nose._

_"It even smells the same, don't you think?"_

_"I'm scared, Annie." As JJ admitted it, tears fell from her eyes, and Annie went to wipe them away. "I don't know where I am, what to do. I'm lost."_

_"You're not lost, Jenny. You just need to make a choice."_

_"What choice?"_

_"Whether to stay, or go back."_

_"I want to stay with you."_

_Annie stroked the hair off her sister's face. "I know you do, Jen, I want you to stay too. But I also want you to know that if you go back, I will always be there, just like I always have. And when it's time, we can see each other again."_

_JJ let out the tears that were welling up inside her. "But what if I don't want to wait? I've waited so long to see you!"_

_"Oh Jenny. I think you know that you're needed down there. Lots of people will be hurting if you don't go back to them."_

_JJ sits up a little straighter. "It's strange. There's something I can't seem to remember. I know it's important, and I know it's sad, but I just can't think of what it is."_

_Annie held her crying sister close. She knew exactly what it was she couldn't remember, but she also knew that it was vital Jenny didn't know, otherwise her whole decision would be based on that. "Don't think about it, Jenny. I'm sure you'll remember when you wake up."_

_JJ nodded and turned to hug her sister close. "I miss you so much, you know that? Not a day goes by where I don't think of you."_

_"I know," Annie stroked her sister's hair, not ready to let her go so soon. "I want you to know that I am so proud of you. You save people's lives, and you have such a big heart. I just wish I was there to see it."_

_JJ pulled back eagerly. "That's it! Can't you come back with me?"_

_Tears fell for the first time from Annie's eyes. "No, Jenny. I made my decision long ago. I can't come back with you." She laid her sister down in the grass before copying the movement so they were lying face to face._

_"I love you." JJ said it softly._

_"I know, I love you too." Annie couldn't help but notice her necklace, and the way her sister held on to it, as if it were the only thing keeping her grounded and safe._

_"Will I remember?" It was just a murmur behind closed eyes and tired lips. JJ's other hand was wrapped tightly around her sister's._

_"No." Annie gave her sister a parting kiss on the forehead. "But I will."_

* * *

"If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?"

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper.

* * *

**Until next time!**


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Thank you for everybody who's reading this! It really means a lot, especially those who took the time to review. Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Born to Die, Chapter Four

_"Oh, Buttercup, why did this happen to you?"_

_"Everyone's here, Jayje. We'll be here as soon as you wake up."_

_"I shouldn't have let you drive."_

_"Come on, Blondie. I knew you were a bad driver, but this?"_

_"They miss you, JJ. I don't know how much longer they're going to cope."_

_"It's all my fault, Jayje."_

It was weird, strange, hearing all these voices, but not being able to respond. Occasionally, she would feel someone holding her hand, and she tried her hardest to squeeze back, to let them know that she was still here.

There was something else, something right at the back of her mind, refusing to make itself known. It was important, that much she knew, but she just couldn't remember what it was.

_"Oh, my girl. Why won't you come back to us?"_

Garcia. It must be her, who else would call her 'my girl'. JJ could feel her tight grip on her hand, as if she was trying to squeeze her into waking up.

There was only one thing for it. JJ squeezed her fingers together as hard as she could, hoping that Garcia would help her out of this mess.

"Oh God, JJ! She's waking up! Someone come quickly!

With a considerable amount of effort, JJ dragged her eyes open to meet those of a rather excited Penelope Garcia. The lights were blindingly bright and she had to shut them immediately.

"Am I that awful a sight?" Garcia joked, bringing a soft smile to JJ's face. She choked out a hoarse, "No" but immediately began a coughing fit that lasted for nearly a minute.

"Hush now, let it out." Garcia stroked her friend's uninjured hand and waited for the coughing to subside. "The doctor said it's normal; you've had that stupid tube stuck down your throat for two days."

JJ's eyes widened, and whispered. "Two days? What happened?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

"I... I remember the case. We got the plane back, I was quite tired. But the next thing I know I'm here."

Garcia gripped her hand tightly. "Oh, Sugar. You've been in a coma. You were in a car accident on your way home."

"Hell, Blondie. You knocked a freaking tree over!" JJ startled at the sudden voice from the door, but relaxed when she realised it was just Morgan. He came and sat in the other chair on the opposite side of her. "You had us worried, JJ."

JJ rested her eyes as she listened to her two friends chattering along, seemingly about nothing important. She racked her brain, thinking back to the last things she remembered.

The darkness. She worked backwards from that. The crash, the car, the headlights. Was it her fault? She can't have been drinking. So what was it that led her to this hospital bed?

A knock on the door shook JJ out of her utterly confused thoughts. "Room for one more?"

"Emily," JJ acknowledged her, bringing another bout of painful coughing. And she thought that simply breathing in and out was painful.

"God, you have _no_ idea how good it is to see you." Emily nudged Morgan out of his chair so she could sit on it. He had not quite turned out to be the old school gentleman his mother had hoped he would be. "How are you doing?"

Deciding to leave out the blank space in her mind that was yet to be filled, she simply pulled a face that you could only describe as half smiling, and half grimacing.

"That good, huh?"

The three of them seemed to get the drift that she wasn't really quite up for talking, particularly nothing to do with her accident, so they made meaningless small talk for the next half hour, JJ raising a smile or contributing a whispered response every now and then.

Then all too soon, or not soon enough, JJ couldn't really decide, they got a text from Hotch telling them that they were needed back at work and he'd send round another of the gang to see the blonde. Morgan left with a fist bump on her uninjured wrist, and Emily with a kiss to the cheek and a promise she'd be back with _Cheetos_,but Garcia hung about a little longer. Thankfully, the profilers took the hint once more and went to grab the three of them a coffee before they left.

The younger blonde was quiet, sensing that her friend had something she needed to get off her chest. "You know, this will be the first time I've left the hospital."

JJ's expression changed immediately to one filled with gratitude, just as quickly as her eyes filled with tears to match those of the woman by her side. This same woman who had seemingly never left it. "Garcie-"

"No, Jayje. I don't want your thanks or approval or anything, that's why I chose a time when it pains you to talk. You helped me so much – after I was shot – this is just a small way for me to repay you." The tech genius saw the blonde open her mouth and shake her head, but Garcia stood up and placed a kiss on her best friend's forehead.

Even in her highly drugged up state, JJ didn't fail to notice the way that Penelope's arm kept twitching up and down. She sighed. "The doctor gave me strict orders not to hug you. And, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take my leave, Sugar Plum, otherwise you are in danger of breaking even more ribs." With that, and a kiss blown her way, Garcia departed and JJ was left on her own.

She couldn't believe that her friend had never left her. But, she did know that it wasn't for the sake of repaying a good deed. It came from the kindness of her heart.

There was still that emptiness though. Whatever happened between getting off that plane and smashing into that tree, with apparently enough force to completely knock the trunk in two, had to have been important.

JJ also couldn't shake the feeling that it was both terrible and sad. Terribly sad. There was something sombre about her mood, and she couldn't help but suspect that it had less to do with being in a coma for the last fourty eight hours than she had originally thought.

After wracking her brain for what felt like hours, although in reality it hadn't even amounted to one, JJ closed her eyes, welcoming any sleep she could get with open arms.

When it seemed as though she had finally been granted sleep, she was startled awake by the sound of someone crashing through the door to her room, as though they'd been pushed. She looked up to see Reid, who was, in turn, glaring accusatively at a figure hidden behind the door. She assumed the mystery man was the one who had forced Reid to come in, although she couldn't think of any reason why for the life of her.

"Spence?" She choked the words out, her voice still cracked and sore. It got his attention though.

"JJ-" He stopped, turning into that shy boy he had been when she met him. Staring down at his face, he said, "I'm sorry, I'll just let you rest."

He turned to leave, solemnly. JJ attempted to shout after him, telling him to get his sorry ass back here, but all that came out was a loud, painful coughing fit. Every cough she let out, felt like someone was stabbing through her ribs to get to her lungs. A concerned Spencer rushed to her side immediately.

"Do you need the doctor?" He placed his hand awkwardly across her back as she sat up a little, looking to ease the pain, although it had no effect. She shook her head and held up her hand, indicating for him to just wait a minute. She sipped some water, the cool liquid soothing her throat, and settling back into the surprisingly comfortable hospital bed.

"How are you?" The words were soft, to avoid another fit, but he heard.

Reid turned around, incredulously. "You've just woken up from a coma that you've been in for fourty nine hours, after a car crash that you've somehow miraculously survived, and you're asking me how I am?"

JJ just shrugged, not missing out on how he avoided the question. After minutes of silence, he finally relented.

"It's all my fault, Jayje." He buried his head in his hands, tears spilling out of his eyes. JJ reached out to him and pushed his hair gently out of his face.

"Hey, don't be silly. You weren't the one driving the car," she soothed him.

"But if I hadn't have just let you run away from me down the stairs then-"

_"I'm fine, Spence." _

_"Let me drive you home, at least. You're tired, upset-"_

_"I said I'm fine, Reid." _

She remembered being so angry, so sad, so overwhelmed with emotions. She remembered rejecting Reid and racing down the stairs, desperate to get home. She remembered the crash.

But why?

"Why was I so upset, Spence?" He looked up at his nickname, his hands wiping away the moisture from his face.

"Um, you were tired? And you took the news about Detective LaMontagne pretty hard."

_"He's dead."_

_"How?" _

_"They said there was some sort of armed robbery taking place at a café called Fernandez, on Friday evening. They didn't seem to know he was a detective, but he made that clear when he tried to stop them. He was shot in the stomach, and died on the operating table, late Saturday night. I'm sorry."_

"Will." JJ whispered it softly, and Spencer wouldn't have picked up on it if he wasn't so close.

"JJ?" Reid asked her, uneasily. He could have sworn Will was the name of the Detective who passed away.

But JJ was lost in her own world. A world of shame and pain. How could she have just forgotten about him?

"What day is it?" She asked, softly, the words barely leaving her lips. When she heard no reply, she asked again, her voice colder and a little more demanding. "What day, Spence?"

"Wednesday. Midday on Wednesday."

Four days, he'd been gone.

She should be crying right now. She should be screaming and punching and grieving.

But no. Instead she just sat there staring at a wall, like the pathetic woman she was.

She'd forgotten him.

You didn't have to be a profiler to see JJ's emotions change. "JJ?" Reid asked, concerned growing stronger in his voice. What had happened? As soon as he mentioned the death of Detective LaMontagne, her whole demeanour had completely changed. She'd gone from being open and comforting to being closed and harsh. This wasn't the JJ he knew.

"JJ?" He tried again but she just sat still. "Please?"

JJ heard his voice crack slightly but her expression didn't even falter.

She didn't understand what was happening to her, there was nothing going on in her mind. It was just blank and empty. She thought she was going to have to live like this forever until a knock came at her door.

"Ah, I see Dr. Reid here has made himself comfortable." The man she assumed to be her doctor walked in, spotting the genius seated in the chair, who was looking rather shifty.

JJ looked up, her face still emotionless. "You two know each other?"

"Let's just say that Dr. Reid was rather vocal of his opinions while you were out. Would you mind excusing us?"

Looking from the doctor to JJ, he nodded and exited, with a muttered, "I'll be back."

"So, Jennifer. How are you feeling?" The doctor didn't take a seat, and instead stood uneasily at the foot of her bed, distancing himself from her.

JJ, not knowing what to say, shrugged her shoulders. _Will._ She shuddered the thought away.

"You seem to be well on the road to recovery, granted you take it easy for the next two weeks."

JJ nodded, absentmindedly, waiting for him to get to the subject he was trying to approach.

Then it came.

"Miss Jareau, were you aware that you were pregnant?"

* * *

_"There has never yet been a man in our history who led a life of ease whose name is worth remembering." - Theodore Roosevelt_

* * *

**See you soon, lovelies!**


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, they really made my day!

Sorry for the slight delay in this chapter, but I decided to get a beta to improve my writing. Thanks so so much to _Whiitewolf_ for being so helpful and patient in fixing my mistakes!

Hope you enjoy the chapter, I'd love it if you dropped in a review!

* * *

Born to Die, Chapter Five

"Miss Jareau, were you aware that you were pregnant?"

JJ's heart stopped. This couldn't be happening. Pregnant? Will? Of course, Will. She hadn't been with anyone else.

But Will's gone.

"Miss Jareau?" He asked, tentatively.

Then something clicked inside of her.

"Were?" she whispered.

Past tense.

Her hands move instinctively to her stomach as she braced herself for the news she never thought she'd hear.

"I'm sorry to say you lost your baby in the accident."

JJ inhaled sharply and scrunched her hand into a fist over her stomach, trapping some of the stupid hospital garment.

"How far…"

"My guess would be somewhere between five and seven weeks." The doctor moved forward rather awkwardly, to place his hand over her uninjured one. "I'm truly sorry."

Then he left with a promise that he'd be back later, since he sensed she needed some time alone.

As soon as the door slammed behind him, JJ raised her hands to her head, taking fistfuls of hair and pushing and pulling, desperately trying to feel something. She felt the tug but didn't even register the pain. At least the physical pain.

Her child was dead. A child she didn't even know had existed. What kind of person did that make her?

And Will. Oh God, Will. He was probably looking down on her now, ashamed of her. Probably disgusted at her complete inability to keep their child safe. JJ took a deep breath in, ignoring the sharp pain somewhere in her body.

For a second, just for a second, JJ sensed something within her that she immediately recognised as relief. Was there a tiny chance that maybe their child is better off without her? With another rough tug of her hair she shoved the thought away. Whether that was true or not, she still killed her baby, just after being responsible for the father's death.

JJ lifted her hands away from her head and painfully settled back onto her side, choosing to ignore the constant throbbing in her head.

One thought resonated within her. Her one chance to bring something of his into the world, and she ruined it.

There was a knock on the door, and at first JJ mistook it for the throbbing in her head getting impossibly louder. They knocked once more before opening the door.

"JJ?" The stern voice reached her and JJ could hear the worry laced into it. She could hear it, but it didn't have any effect on her. She twisted back to her earlier position and looked up at him, blankness in her eyes.

She wondered whether his gifted mind would be able to figure out what's wrong, or if anything was wrong. Maybe notice the dark circles under her eyes, or the way her hair was angrily sticking up in all directions. JJ caught his eyes lingering on her clenched fist before self consciously relaxing it. It wouldn't do her any good for her boss to realise she was going through a crisis.

A crisis? Is that what this was?

"How are you feeling?" Hotch took a few steps closer to her so he was standing at the foot of her bed, but made no move for the chair at her bedside.

JJ shrugged as best as she could. "Alright." She was shocked at the ease of which the words came out. No pain hidden in the words, not even a coughing fit. Hotch nodded.

"Reid left for the office; he had to finish off some files."

JJ thought back briefly to when she remembered it. It was all a bit foggy and vague as if her mind was suppressing it from her to avoid her more pain or having a breakdown, but she could remember Reid, and how he kept desperately calling her name. He must have figured everything out.

"Is he alright?"

"Fine." He looks down at a piece of paper in his hand. "I've signed you off work for the next three weeks, indefinitely after that."

"What?" JJ was still amazed at how the words would come out so easily. Sure, there was no emotion, but that was better than no words at all. "But who'll handle-"

"I can take over until you're ready to come back."

There it was. The subtle confirmation that she hadn't been sacked. He knew she wouldn't ask right out.

He just sort of stood there for a while, as if he was scrutinising her, and she couldn't help but squirm under his gaze.

"I'm sorry for letting you drive home last night. I knew you were tired-"

"Would everybody stop trying to take the blame for what happened?" JJ's voice was louder than usual and shocked Hotch out of his apology. "I was the one who chose to drive, I was the one who crashed the damn car, not you! I wish everybody would stop trying to claim responsibility just to make themselves feel better!"

Breathing heavily, JJ glared at her boss and met a similar look staring right back at her. "Sir," she added on, almost humbly.

"As I was saying. I apologise for not driving you home. I went against my better judgement and it did not end well."

JJ stared at her injured wrist so she could avoid her boss' eyes. Desperately, she hoped she still had her job.

"I'm afraid I have to ask this, were you drinking before your accident?"

"No, sir," JJ answered, honestly. No, she was not drinking.

"What caused you to crash?" He asked, inquisitively. JJ knew it wasn't an investigation but assumed the information was necessary for her file or something.

"I remember a car right in front of me, and me swerving to avoid it crashing into me, but not much else."

Hotch nodded. "JJ, did the news about Detective LaMontagne cause your accident?"

JJ was rendered silent, not ready for this type of question. "JJ?"

"No," she lied through her teeth. "Yes, I kept contact with him. We talked, called a little, even met up when he was in Virginia, but nothing more. I was just tired and shouldn't have been driving."

JJ moved her gaze up from his shoes and chanced a quick glance at his face. She was met with steely eyes, clearly trying to figure her out. She wondered how close he was to unravelling everything she was holding in just before he looked away and his gaze softened.

"JJ, are you sure nothing else is going on? We're all here-"

"I'm fine."

He sighed, reluctantly. "Well, I'll let you sleep." He leant over and awkwardly squeezed her hand. "See you soon."

She hoped not too soon.

* * *

It had been a while since JJ had slept. At least, slept peacefully. She'd had more than her fair share of nightmares in the past few days. Although, were they still classed (classified seems more correct, but I think classed still works) as nightmares if they're part of your reality?

She'd had visitors. Too many, if you asked her. And countless phone calls from her mother which she had eventually given in and answered. That hadn't been too pleasant.

This was the first time she wasn't in some drugged up stupor since the day she found out, and she had hoped that it would at least stop the illusions and memories and everything in her mind from being so vivid. But it hadn't, it had just helped her come to the conclusion that it was in her head and she couldn't blame it on the meds any longer. She was turning crazy.

She glanced over at her bedside table. It was filled with reeking flowers and unopened chocolate boxes, the more expensive of which coming from Rossi. Her frequent guests, especially a certain tech genius, had taken to opening the chocolates for her, claiming 'they'd only go to waste'.

It was Saturday. One week since Will. Nearly a week since her accident, and the consequent loss of life. One week and not a single tear spilt.

Every day there seemed to be a different word she focused on. Sometimes love, sometimes hate, sometimes guilt. No matter what the word was, it always brought pain.

Today's word was goodbye.

How she never even got to say hello to the baby, let alone a goodbye.

But nothing for Will, not even a whisper.

No goodbye.

That was it. That was what she needed to do! She needed to say goodbye, then everything would be fixed, she could get along with her life.

The funeral.

"Hey Blondie, I bought fries but you can't-" Morgan sauntered through and seemed shocked to see her sitting bolt upright, with some form of emotion on her face. "Woah, did I miss something?"

"I need to leave, Morgan."

"Hold up there, JJ." He placed the fast food on the side and went to stand closer to her. "The doctor said he won't let you go until next week at the earliest."

She looked up and fixed him with an icy stare. "I need to leave, now."

"No, you do not."

"Please, Derek. I have to do this!" She grasped his hand and pulled on it, forcing his attention to her. "Please. Just help me leave!"

He yanked his hand free and shook his head. "No way. You've had all of us worried out of our freakin' minds the past week, like hell I'm just going to let you walk out of here like nothing's wrong!"

"I need this! I have to leave, you don't understand!"

"So help me to understand!"

JJ stopped yelling and refused to say a word. Morgan cut into her silence. "JJ you can barely walk! Your ribs are broken and your wrist is sprained and you were in a coma, I'm not helping you 'escape' from hospital on some pointless whim."

"You know what, I don't fucking need you anyway!" Her voice was cracked and hoarse from the shouting but she ripped off the IV attached to her and pulled herself out of the covers.

"You're out of your mind, JJ! I'm not letting you leave!" Morgan grabbed her by the shoulders as gently as he could, but firmly pinned her to the bed as she struggled underneath him.

"Let me go!" she shrieked, kicking out at him, but he swiftly moved out of harm's way. She breathed in and out violently, trying to remember what the doctor said about calming your breathing.

"Please." Her voice was quiet and desperate and helpless. This was what she needed, she had to say her goodbye to him.

"No, JJ. Whatever it is, I don't know since you won't tell me. It can wait until you've recovered." Morgan released her shoulders and pressed the button so someone could reattach her IV.

"Just go." JJ deliberately turned her body away from him so she was lying on her side.

"Jay-"

"Go."

With a heavy sigh, Morgan left, already hitting speed dial as he went.

"Hotch? Man, we need to talk. JJ's bad, really bad."

* * *

_"Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place." ― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever_

* * *

**See you soon, lovelies!**


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